जीवन में मरना भला, जो मरि जानै कोय।

When a child goes through a tough time after losing one of his parents, when a person faces the challenges of survival in a concentration camp, or when a person faces a severe health crisis, what changes does it bring to life? We often see that the people who face tough situations in life tend to grow. But is it a necessary prerequisite for growth?

As children, we are generally pampered. Parents take care of our food, safety, and all our needs. We are the centre of the family. Parents work hard at the office, provide food, ensure we have good clothes, try to meet our demands, and genuinely want us to be happy. We go to school and learn many skills there. But most of the time, we do things for ourselves. We want to top the class, have friends, go to a good college, and have a good lifestyle. Parents support us financially and emotionally. When a crisis hits the family, the centre shifts from us to something else. When we have somebody fighting a terminal disease, the focus shifts to that person. When we face a financial crisis, the focus shifts to managing it. When we lose someone in the family, everyone has to take on additional responsibilities. That's the first time we move beyond the concept of self.

Whether this will move a child from the ego to love is difficult to say. While sailing in a boat, if we experience danger, what will the general reaction be? Generally, we will hold the boat tighter. That's what we all do. We hold each other tighter. We build our lives around family, and the emotional connection grows stronger. We feel family is our saviour, so we feel responsible for caring for each other in moments of crisis. As if we are one single unit, and each part has to protect the others to survive. But is that out of love? Generally, it is rooted in fear, which is why it leads to attachment. Any thought of being separate from the family member gives us sleepless nights. Because the "love" for the other is deeply rooted in that fear. The other is just a tool to allay that fear. 

That's why it hurts most when close relationships are in turmoil. Sibling fights are the ugliest. Because the same old psychological fear we tried to handle through these relationships comes to the surface. It's less about fighting the sibling and more about fighting the fundamental fear and insecurity we buried in the coffin of relationships. The dispute forces us to dig that coffin, and the fear is back. We can see the truth behind the story our mind made: that relationships make us safe. Once we see, we can't unsee, and many other similar stories get challenged. We lose faith in relationships. Not only disputes, but the same is true of death, breakup or loss in any manner. We lose someone very close, someone we depended on for a long time, and then they disappear suddenly. We also lose confidence in our other relationships. We become very vulnerable.

But the vulnerability always existed. We just covered that up with a layer of relationships. When we feel that fear again, we try to cover it up with something else. Quite often, people try to get into a new relationship. Some find solace in work and keep themselves busy in an office setting with ambitious targets. Some join some Baba or Guru and feel that his Pravachan soothe them. Some join a spiritual sect and start practising a meditation technique, generally feeling as if they are preparing for the next birth. We may run from one escape to another, but the inner fear doesn't go away. 

The inner fear can't disappear unless we confront it. The fear of ghosts can't go away unless we decide one day to face the darkness and see that there is no fear. Similarly, when we examine life and understand its true meaning, we realise that death is normal. Diseases are normal. Crises are normal. These challenges come to us so we can understand and appreciate life's true meaning. Not so that we do not experience death in our neighbourhood. But somehow, our ego is so strong that it filters those experiences, and the moment we return from the cremation ground, we get confined to that narrow sense of self again. It's very difficult for us to actually see and experience the profoundness of life, unless it happens to us. But when it does happen to us, we may again seek escape, or we may actually see through it. That depends upon our level of preparation: whether we will again cover that fundamental fear with something convenient, like another relationship, a nice Pravachan by Guru, a belief, a desire for a better life after death, an ambition in this world; or we confront fear to see its reality, making ourselves vulnerable. The second is not easy. But like devoted parents who will not leave their children until they become self-dependent, nature won't leave us until we confront our fundamental fears. 

Kabir Das ji says:

जीवन में मरना भला, जो मरि जानै कोय। 

मरना पहिले जो मरै, अजय अमर सो होय॥