I am often amazed by one thing. People keep suffering and yet keep playing being victims. Not so that if the people of any village decide, they can't make a difference to the economic conditions of the village. Not so that if the people of any country decide, they can't make the country a developed one in a short span of time. Yet, we somehow choose to play victim. We tend to assign some reason for our misery. We tend to hold some person responsible for our grief. We don't leave even the dead people and keep holding them responsible for our conditions.
On the other hand, we also see many children happily playing on the street. They tend to enjoy the game. As if they have forgotten everything else. They have not set their expectations high. That's why they can live in the present moment and enjoy whatever comes their way. In fact, as children, we were all much freer. The tensions of the future did not deprive us of the fun in the present moment. Just because we have an examination around the corner does not mean that we will stop playing with our friends. Then what happened to us? Today, our minds are full of worry about the future. The thoughts about the next promotion, admission of the children to university, health, wealth, and reputation in society? When we get too worried about these things and find it difficult to have what we want, we start holding people around responsible and playing victims.
We are unable to get a promotion because of some sycophant. We have to do so much extra work as employees because somebody else has spoiled the ecosystem by working extra time to impress the boss. Our children are not able to get admission to the college because someone else has manipulated the system. We are unable to get good roads and infrastructure because the contractor has not worked efficiently. When we hold others responsible for our miseries, there are basically two things that are happening. First, we feel entitled to something. Second, we feel it is the other person's responsibility to provide that thing to us. Just like a child. A child sees one ice cream vendor and wants ice cream. He wants ice cream and believes it is his father's duty to provide it for him. If his father is unable to provide the same for any reason, he holds his father responsible.
All of us have passed through such phases in our childhood when we feel that somebody else is responsible for our miseries. We sometimes cry for the things we want. We shout at others whom we feel are the reasons for our deprivation. We play victims. But, very soon, we realise that we have to become capable of earning that ice cream on our own. We work hard and get a job, and when we receive our first salary, our hearts are filled with the joy of being independent. Now we can buy whatever we like. However, this happiness does not last long and soon we desire something else. We desire promotion at work, appreciation from the boss, or some award or reward. The problem is that now the rules of the game have changed. It is now the next-level game. Hard work is not the only criterion. You need so many things, and often they are contradictory.
To earn appreciation at the workplace, we need to meet targets, and some of these targets depend on circumstances. We have got the job after a lot of hard work, and therefore we want to relax. However, we also want recognition at the workplace, and to get it, we need to work hard. That creates an apparent contradiction. Quite often, to get rid of that burden, we tell lies about working hard, and sometimes we become so good at telling these lies that we start believing our own stories about how hard we are working, yet our work is not being recognised or appreciated. This is how we start playing victims. Similarly, we live in a community that has gathered for a common purpose. We feel that we are entitled to get the best roads and infrastructure. However, every community needs effective vigilance to be efficient. If citizens are aware of their rights and keep an eye on service providers, service providers will not be able to cheat. We fail to exercise this vigilance because we are busy having fun with our families and watching movies, and then we play victims.
As children, we were intelligent enough to realise that there is a cost for everything. We let go of our comforts and pleasures to study hard and get admission to a college or university to get a good degree. What happens when we grow up? Why do we start playing victims and hold others responsible for our miseries? Because somewhere we failed to work on our fundamental self-image of being a child who can demand anything from his parents, and it is their duty to provide. We feel that the entire universe and all the people around us are like parents who owe us that much. How come my boss is not appreciating me? It is his duty to appreciate me. How come my spouse isn't behaving the way I want him to? It is his duty to behave the way I want. How come the government is not setting the priorities I wish? It is the government's duty to think the way I think. That child within us who feels that the entire universe revolves around him is still alive somewhere within.
What can we do to get over this feeling of victimhood? I think that there are two fundamental things. First, we have to work on our self-centred view of the universe. Even this earth and this solar system are so insignificant in this universe, and it is a harsh reality that it does not make a difference to this world even if we suddenly disappear. It is the nicety of the people around us that they tolerate our expectations. Or there is a give-and-take relationship. The sooner we understand this, the better. The circumstances may change at any point in time, and a critical disease may be diagnosed suddenly in our bodies. Economies sink suddenly. People go bankrupt. There are sudden deaths. We lose our hard-earned wealth at the drop of a hat. The entire universe is not there to serve us. That's just a child's imagination, and the sooner we understand it, the better. Second, like a child who decides to work hard and get a job, we too have to learn the tricks of the game and work accordingly. People will appreciate us when we behave the way they want us to behave. Are we ready to pay the price of freedom to get that appreciation? If not, we have to learn to let go of that expectation of being appreciated. Similarly, we need to see the cost of everything we want in our lives, and only if we are ready to pay the cost, should we expect it. Nothing is free in this world. Some things have tangible costs while others have intangible costs, and quite often intangible costs are far heavier. Though we often realise this quite late in our lives, and by then it is too late to reverse the decision. These two things will help us get over this feeling of victimhood.
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