Why do the closest people become the biggest enemies? We meet a lot of people in this world. We get along well with some of them and maintain an arm’s-length distance from many of them. Our expectations with the second category of people are quite minimal. Mostly, expectations from such people are based on reciprocity, and the terms and conditions of reciprocity are well defined. You come to attend my function, and I will come to attend yours. You support me, and I support you. Most of these alliances are political, and in politics, there is no permanent friendship or animosity. We maintain very clearly defined ego boundaries in these relationships and form alliances like the alliances among the kingdoms.
However, we get along well with a few people. When we enter into a deep relationship with someone, we naturally start entering each other’s personal space. We open the gates of our fort to welcome the friend. He comes to visit the nooks and corners of the fort. As the friendship deepens, we take the friend to the secret places inside the fort. We feel relieved. Sharing makes us light. We had been carrying the burden of these secrets for a long time, and that's why we feel quite relieved when we share these secrets with a friend. Similarly, the friend invites us to his fort, and we accompany him to the most secret places inside.
With this type of relationship, do we merge with each other? That depends. Generally, both forts maintain their separate identities, and that's why, when we get to know each other so deeply, we become capable of hurting each other very badly. That's why when we have friction in such relationships, they hurt beyond imagination. All of us would recall the movie Saudagar from the 90s. The two best friends since childhood turn into enemies. Unless the two kingdoms merge, it is probably impossible to eliminate the possibility of friction. How can this merger take place?
Traditionally, there had been such a merger in the marital relationship. Generally, the social customs were designed to make the girl realise that she had to surrender to the man. She has to leave her home and go to her husband's place to adjust to the new ecosystem. Traditionally, girls did not go to the office and took care of the home. The rituals and the entire social narrative made it seem as if the woman had to surrender her identity. "Main Tulsi Tere Angan Ki.", "Main Tumri Dasi, Janam Ki Pyasi, Tumhi ho Mera Shringar Pritam", and so many Bollywood songs have fanned these narratives. However, as more women have become educated and moved out of their homes to work, the situation has improved significantly. One kingdom surrendering to the other, and doing away with its independence, is no merger at all. That's just a compromise. The true merger takes place when two kingdoms realise that they will do far better if they merge. This happens when the "king" makes the decision with the kingdom's interests at the centre. The merger may make the king powerless. That can happen only when the king becomes aware and gets to realise the futility of power. Ego, as a king ruling over the kingdom of our body and mind, can also realise that and merge with the other kingdoms. However, for that to happen, both the kings have to have the welfare of the kingdom at the centre of their decisions. That's quite rare to see in this world. That's why the world keeps Sri Aurobindo and the Mother in such high esteem.
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