We are told to be responsible since our childhood. A responsible son or daughter, a responsible husband or wife, a responsible friend, a responsible father or mother, a responsible employee, a responsible neighbour. There are thousands of proverbs around this. A friend in need is a friend indeed. Almost every Bollywood movie has glorified the feeling of responsibility. Parents want teachers to raise their children to be responsible sons and daughters.
Where does the sense of responsibility come from? I was just wondering where that sense of responsibility came from in me. I contemplated at length and realised that this feeling comes from a combo of two strong emotions: fear and a sense of belonging. If we are born and brought up in an insecure ecosystem where we are threatened for survival, and then we get associated with a small group that feels a sense of belonging for each other, we feel that sense of responsibility for each other. A responsibility to protect each other. Generally, the stronger member of the group feels more responsible because the other members make him or her feel he or she has to protect them. Somebody faces the death of a parent, and feels vulnerable, and in that state of vulnerability, develops a sense of belonging with the siblings, and because siblings make him or her feel responsible for their protection, he assumes responsibility. Similarly, someone who faces a financial crisis in childhood develops a fear of failure and then forms a sense of belonging with their siblings, which makes them feel responsible and assume responsibility. Thus, the sense of responsibility is the deadly mix of fear and belonging.
Thus, fear lies at the core of most of the responsibilities we assume in this world. The more we behave responsibly, the more fearful we become at the core of our hearts. Out of responsibilities towards our children, we make them study in the best schools, help them get a job or start a business, then we want them to buy a new home, a car, and all the means of comforts and pleasure, and have kids. Once we finish all these responsibilities, do we feel less worried? Does that fear go away? Now we are afraid for our grandchildren, their education and health. All of us have met many older people who have fulfilled all their responsibilities. Has their fear disappeared? No. In fact, we will find them to be more worried and fearful. It is because the underlying fear that pervades society as a whole has never been addressed.
By developing that sense of belonging, we just tried to allay that fear. Suppose there is a rumour about a ghost in a village. A family also listens to the rumour, gets frightened, and places full faith in the head of the family's capacity. The head of the family also assumes responsibility and assures that he will not allow any ghost to even touch them. He plays his role throughout his life and keeps them protected. He feels he has done something very important throughout his life. Does he realise what this unexamined fear and the assumption of responsibility have done to him and the entire family? He has wasted his entire life protecting the family against the ghost that never existed. The family has been confined to the four walls of the home, even though they had the potential to move around and do something creative. Isn't this the story of all the responsible people in this world? But once we start believing in that "ghost", it's very difficult for the mind to drop it. Especially if it has been fed into the mind since the very beginning, and if that story is believed by most people around us.
On the other hand, some people remain equally afraid but handle the "ghost" differently. They try to get some mantras and siddhis. They try to gather money and power to cope with their fears and insecurities. They try to become self-sufficient to handle the "ghost". Having gained that strength, they no longer need the people with whom they began their journey and become "selfish" in the name of self-love. However, that inner fear does remain. As they grow, they become increasingly lonely and fearful on the inside. Some of them try to adopt spirituality as a "tool" to fight that inner fear and loneliness. They get associated with different spiritual organisations.
Where is the place for love in this world? There is none till we actually examine that "ghost". We have to dare to get out of the safe haven to confront that deadly ghost that we had been listening to since our childhood. I met Mingyur Rinpoche, a famous Buddhist monk, around 2018. That time, he returned from a 3-year anonymous tour. He left his monastery and went around in anonymity, with no means. I asked him, and he told me, "I just wanted to experiment with myself". How many of us are ready to confront the ghost? If not, how will we get space for love? Love and fear can't coexist. That invisible ghost keeps driving our lives. At the same time, if someone connects to love, even for a small time, it will be impossible for him to be confined to the limited world of the ego. He will explore one thing or the other. He will pay any price for freedom. The whole of the world may believe in the "ghost", but he would be free to explore the beautiful world.
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