In relationships, we have two opposing thoughts: possession and exploration. The feeling of possession is based on the meaning we assign to the relationship, based on our past experiences. On the other hand, exploration is entirely in the domain of the unknown. For example, since childhood, we have been told about marriage. We see so many couples living together. We develop a meaning of marriage. We may feel that marriage is all about living together, taking care of each other, helping each other when we fall sick, going to social functions together, having meals together with a chat, travelling together, and so on. Our minds are "meaning-making machines", and we make such meaning of marriage. If we have a very strong view of marriage, based on our past experiences, we will become possessive of it. Any deviation from that meaning would be painful.
On the other hand, when we marry, we want to explore each other and also to explore together. This exploration will be completely in the domain of the unknown. The foundation of exploration is laid on freedom. Unless a person is free from the weight of his own opinions and beliefs, one can't fly freely. That's why, quite often, the relationship of marriage is weighed down by the mental meaning of the marriage for one or both partners. People don't explore. They get tied to the stereotype role as a husband or wife and "kill" exploration.
It's not easy to let go of the mental stories and expectations in any relationship. It's because of a very simple reason. We are disconnected internally, and that's why we feel insecure. We feel vulnerable in this world. That's why these mental stories and expectations work as a great support. I have somebody to stand by me. If anything goes wrong, these relationships will take care of it. I have a wife to take care of when I fall ill. I have children to take care of in my old age. We keep investing in different relationships as insurance premiums so that in our difficult times, we get a payoff from these relationships.
What's wrong with that? That's what almost everybody in the world does. Who would not like their children to sit by their side when they have to visit the hospital? Who would not like their children to take care of them when they are in the hospital? Who would not like their spouse to take care of them when they fall ill? Of course, if the fundamental driving force of our lives is "survival", then relationships will be nothing more than possessions to us. But is life all about survival? What if we live for 100 years and do not explore? Will that life be meaningful?
So many of us fall in love. What is love? We feel connected, and we want to explore together. Until marriage, we like to go together to different places, get to know each other, and are quite open to understanding and appreciating each other's views. We are in an explorative mode. What happens after marriage? We become close. Now that person has to fit into the role we assign to our spouse based on our mental stories. We fight more often because the other person is not fitting into our mental stories. He is different. We get frightened and feel vulnerable. We try to assert and mend the spouse, and the relationship is spoiled.
Possession is an outcome of inner incompletion. Until we connect with our inner core, we will continue to feel vulnerable. Our mind will keep creating stories around the objects and relationships. The moment a person deviates from these stories, we will feel vulnerable. On the other hand, the moment we understand that "death is the birth of new life", we get free of the fear. We understand the vulnerability. We know that none of our possessions can make us feel safe. Every tool will depreciate. Everybody will go through the cycles of pain and pleasure. We can't waste our entire life just to prepare for the bad days. Life is all about exploring. We buy a car to drive on the road. Of course, when we drive on the roads, it becomes more vulnerable. But if we keep it safe in the garage, it serves no purpose. Similarly, we have this body and mind to explore and not to waste. When we understand this fundamental truth, we just explore relationships. We explore rather than possess. Then relationships become the most beautiful means of exploration.
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