Where does communication get lost? So many problems in this world arise due to a lack of communication. Relationships get spoiled because of misunderstandings. There may be times when semantics matter because different words carry different meanings across cultures. It may also be because a person may carry a wrong understanding of the meaning of a word and use it accordingly, while the other person may not be able to understand that "personal meaning" of the word. However, these are minor communication errors and can be easily corrected. The more serious problems in communication stem from inauthenticity and a lack of integrity.
By inauthenticity, I mean a conflict between our conscious intentions and our unconscious drives. For example, a person may invite his boss to a family function, even though he does not like him. In this situation, he will welcome his boss when he arrives, but a "little voice" at the back of his mind will urge him to send the boss away quickly. That's why when he welcomes the boss, he will not be able to do so with full energy, and there will be some element of artificiality in his behaviour. The boss may not notice it; however, his senses will register it, and he may soon start feeling uncomfortable. There may be many different reasons for inauthenticity.
We hardly ever examine ourselves. We are so busy with the routine that we hardly have time to see who we really are and what the genesis of different thoughts is. In most situations, we lack the courage to see our true reality. For example, suppose we attend a religious ceremony. We don't have faith in God yet because most people are doing some ritual; we also perform the same. We keep doing the same thing year after year because of the fear of social disapproval. But we pretend to be religious people because that's good for our social image, which we are highly conscious of. Slowly, that inauthenticity gets deep into our character. When nobody is watching, we would not perform the rituals, but when people are watching, we would perform them with utmost attention and care. There are two conflicting movements within us. On the one hand, we consciously invest in our social image by performing these rituals, while on the other hand, there is an “I” within us that wants to break free of them. That's why we feel tired after all these ceremonies. These communications are poor because there is so much conflict, and that conflict gets reflected in one form or another.
There may also be a lack of integrity. We may pretend to do something consciously. For example, someone may be willing to spend an evening with friends, but at the same time, because his boss has ordered him to stay back in the office, he may end up staying there unwillingly. Lack of integrity often stems from wanting the best of both worlds. In this example, a person with integrity will either tell their friends that work is a priority or tell their boss that their commitment to friends is primary. In both cases, his action will be of the utmost integrity. However, staying back in the office unwillingly and not taking an interest in the work is a lack of integrity. When somebody lacks integrity, their communication is poor because they try to hide many things from the listener.
Inauthenticity and a lack of integrity may also leave the listener feeling. So many people read the Bhagavad Gita and books by spiritually enlightened people. In fact, so many people attend 10-day Vipassana camps and similar meditation retreats organised by other spiritual organisations. Everything looks hanky dory till people are inside the camps. However, once they are out, most people return to their routine. Inauthenticity and lack of integrity come back in their behaviour. We listen to whatever we want. That's why proverbs like "Bhains ke aage been bajana" and "Bandar kya jaane adrak ka swad" are so famous in India.
Why are inauthenticity and lack of integrity so common? It is because we feel insecure. Since the beginning, we have been told by our parents and society that the purpose of life is to survive and be comfortable. That's why we want to create a social image that's acceptable to most people around us. It helps us feel safe. We feel that so many people are standing with us. If there is a crisis in our family, so many people come to visit us. We become so comfortable with this fake social image that we never dare to examine its utility and suffocate that little voice inside to maintain it. The same is true of our self-image. We develop a self-image of being intelligent or aware. That self-image makes us feel confident in life. If we challenge this self-image, we need to act. Sometimes we use this self-image and social image to defend ourselves in this world where almost everyone around is trying to pull us down.
The moment one examines the self-image and the social-image, one will not be able to speak that confidently. It may be perceived as a weakness by the people around. That's why he feels vulnerable. This is especially true if most of one's life is spent in building that fake self-image and social image. That's why it is quite difficult to address this issue later in life. The earlier the better. That's why the easiest way out is to constantly examine our self-image and social image so we are aware of how they deviate from reality. So that we are constantly aware of the dangers of that deviation. The more we are authentic and the more we live with integrity, the better our communication will be. Because we will say what we mean. We will listen to what is being said, rather than what we want to hear, however unpleasant that may be to our ears. We will not mind facing the mirror when somebody makes us bare. The more we hide in masks, the more difficult it will be to connect with people. That is why people with integrity and authenticity are most connected to those around them. However, one needs a safe haven to start this process, especially if one is not used to it. He needs to be sure that he is not being judged. Once he gets a headstart and experiences the joy of being authentic and living with integrity, he will find his way out.
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