"You are worth nothing!" These words from a boss or a team leader feel as if somebody has poured molten iron into our ears. That's very unreasonable. Why should we listen to these words? These are against our self-respect. We feel really hurt. Do we recall the same words being uttered by our parents in our childhood when they used to get angry? Did we really feel upset over the same? Most of us would agree that it was never so. Even if we become temporarily upset, we would soon understand that it was for our benefit. What's the difference between these words uttered by the boss/team leader and parents? Did we not have self-respect vis-à-vis our parents? Sometimes a good friend tells us something very unpleasant, and yet we do not feel bad. Do we not have self-respect vis-à-vis that friend?
Self-respect is essentially based on the survival instinct. To protect human dignity. To protect the basic respect that we give to everybody, and that we too deserve from others. Our body is the most important tool we have with us to operate in this world. Like any other tool, it has to be protected to live a meaningful life. That's why we try to protect our bodies. That's one essential component of self-respect. We would not allow anybody to kill us or cause any injury to our bodies. That's the easy part. The more difficult part is self-image. We often create a self-image of being intelligent, useful, good, or powerful. These images are quite often our winning formulas. When we interact with others, demonstrating these images, we get a certain edge in the negotiations. An image of being "intelligent" helps to get a careful audience, and such people can influence many family decisions the way they want. That gives them control. The image of being "good" helps people get access to the inner core of others, and then they can manipulate them. The image of being "powerful" helps them dominate and maintain their turf.
Thus, there is a very strong use case for almost every self-image that's dear to us. That's why people invest so heavily in these images, and that's why they want to protect these self-images at any cost. That's why it hits us hard when somebody says that "you are worth nothing". We consider it to be a direct attack on our self-image because it crushes our self-image of being intelligent and useful. As opposed to the physical body, there are two elements of the self-image: reality and mental stories or projections. Sometimes, we are not so intelligent and know that and try to project "intelligence" to enter that "intelligent club" and enjoy the privileges. Sometimes, we are not intelligent and unconsciously, our brains cook a lot of mental stories around our intelligence, and we try to establish our self-image of being intelligent in the minds of others. Most of the time, these projections and mental stories form a significant part of our self-images, and when we try to protect these projections or mental stories, we are not protecting self-respect; rather, we are trying to defend our inauthenticities.
Inauthentic self-image, created by manipulative projections or mental stories, becomes part of our "self" and therefore when we try to protect our "self-respect", quite often, we try to defend these inauthenticities. Since we rely heavily on these self-images for our defence and survival, as soon as somebody challenges these images, we become extremely reactive and touchy. We get triggered by somebody who challenges these inauthenticities, especially if we feel threatened by that person. Unless we trust that person to the core of our heart, in a way more than ourselves, it is almost impossible to allow somebody to challenge these self-images. That's why many times, we prevent our own growth in the name of defending our self-respect. I can say with my life experiences that this is one of the most difficult areas to work on. That's why in parenting, one of the most important parts is to have that unconditional trust, so that when we challenge these inauthenticities of our children, they don't reject us. Rather, they have that trust and examine their inauthenticities, holding our hands. That's not possible unless we work on our own inauthenticities, and that's why the first and foremost duty of every parent is to work on their own inauthenticities. For that trust to develop, the parents have to not only be available for their children but also be authentic and listen to them mindfully, taking the plugs of their own self-image out of their ears.
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