It is difficult to examine oneself. The same mind that wants to find out the truth behind one's actions is busy justifying the same. That's why there is a conflict. It is difficult to play the game and be a spectator at the same time. One can, at best, watch one's game after recording it. We, too, watch our actions in a flashback. Flashback of our memory. However, while watching ourselves in the flashback of memory, we may justify our actions to prove ourselves right, or we may critically examine ourselves.
Quite often, we end up justifying our actions rather than examining them critically. Why? Because we consider ourselves to be "ego" or "separate from the rest", and therefore have a strong survival instinct. That's why we have a very strong instinct to prove that we are right. That's why it is very difficult to shift to a larger framework of life. If we are convinced in our present frame of life and keep justifying the same, it will be quite difficult to shift to a larger framework of life. The stronger the logic and the more difficult it will be for us to accept that we are stuck in a limited frame.
One crucial prerequisite for self-examination is awareness of our place in the larger cosmos. When we not only know but also realise that the entire humanity is just a tiny spec of dust in the entire cosmos, we would know the immense possibilities for growth. A child, when he first reads about the parts of the body, is fully confident that he knows everything. A neuroscientist always feels that he knows very little about the human body. What is the difference between the two? The child knows about the body parts, but he is not aware of the entire universe of knowledge, he is not aware about. The neuroscientist knows quite a lot when we look at him from the standards of our society, but he is also aware of the possibilities that he is not aware of. That's why he becomes humble. Not so that if anybody asks him about the brain, he will be confused or shy away from telling what he knows. But, he will always have this realisation that what he knows is very limited on a cosmic scale.
There are layers and layers of knowledge of the cosmos, and similarly, there are layers and layers of "self". It is tough to understand our motivations. Sometimes, the most wicked motivations come in the guise of something very pious. Ravana also came to kidnap Sita in the form of a Saadhu. How can we discriminate? I feel that there is one simple test. What is the driving force? Where is that action taking us? Does it make us free or does it bind us? Whether we feel denser or lighter. "Ego" has layers and layers, and what we are aware of is just the tip of an iceberg. A lot lies beneath the surface. No doubt, we will feel good by proving ourselves to be right. But whether it is making us heavier or lighter is the test. It's not easy to examine ourselves, as I said at the beginning, because the "ego" will always make us feel good about every validation and accomplishment of every task that it intends to promote. Every time we strengthen our "ego", we feel good. But, at the same time, we also feel heavy. This feeling of "heaviness" is quite difficult to be aware of. Most people keep developing the blockages and do not realise the same until they have a heart attack. If we do cardiac every day, we will become aware of those blockages earlier and get sufficient time to work on them before the attack. Practising self-awareness is like that cardiac exercise that will give us early warnings of those blockages, so that we get time to work on them.
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