Yesterday, there was a discussion around expectations of the parents from their children and why it happens. I feel that the bigger question is "why do we have expectations at all?". We have expectations from the people we know, our relatives, friends, and children. We have given birth to our children and taken care of them all through their childhood, and therefore, we have a right to expect? We have stood with our friends in their tough times, and therefore, we have a right to expect? But this still does not answer the basic question. Why do we expect at all?
We have certain experiences in life, and based on these experiences, we make some meaning of life. For most people, life is about comforts and pleasures. For some, it is about running away from certain fears. A person who had an easy childhood will like those comforts and pleasures to continue, while another person, who had a difficult childhood, would like to avoid the recurrence of those incidents. We make certain winning formulas to achieve our targets. Money is one obvious formula that helps us have comforts, pleasures and also mitigates many of our fears in the present era. Earlier, when so many services were not available for money, a social validation and support system was a stronger winning formula. However, there is always an element of uncertainty with that. That's an intangible. A person may stand with another on ten different occasions, and yet he may be left alone in his difficult time. Some people feel that "powerful positions" and an even stronger winning formula, because you may influence many things in your favour. Some people believe in networking to achieve their targets. Almost all of us have one or more of these arrows in our quiver to fight the battle of life.
Wait, wait, wait. Is life really a battle? Just press the rewind button. It all started with our experiences in our childhood. We made a certain meaning of life and focused our minds on certain targets to achieve some comforts, pleasures, or avoid some fears. First of all, do we ever examine whether those fears are real or just our mental stories? For example, one of the biggest fears many of us have since childhood is the fear of social disapproval. But is that fear real? Isn't it true that the more I listen to society and the more it sits over my head. That means the root cause is not society per se, rather it is "my focus on society's approval". Second, do we examine whether their fears are relevant today? The fear of being judged in our childhood may not be relevant today because we know that these "self-proclaimed judges" neither have "concern" for us nor "capacity" to evaluate our actions. Third, do we examine the role of these targets in our lives? What have they done to us so far? Have the comforts of all types, which we have gathered so far, made us really happy? Is it sitting idle in the AC comfortably that makes us happy, or is it sweating hard at the gym or cycling or tennis court or basketball court, or walking that makes us happy?
We choose to run away from the fears that we experienced during our childhood and run after the comforts and pleasures that looked attractive to us during our childhood. We make some meaning of life with that limited experience and keep running after the same. In this mad race, there is no time for a reality check. We are so focused on "winning the race of life" that we somehow want to get that "winning formula". Once we get a job or set up our business, there is no looking back. Next 25-30 years, we are in a mad race, and in the meantime, we have kids. Our minds, obsessed with these "winning formulas", want our children also to be winners. In fact, some parents who could not snatch these "winning formulas" for themselves want their children to get these for them. That's why we have expectations.
Can we look at like from a different perspective? Life is not a race. It's a place full of possibilities. We can explore all these possibilities with love and compassion. I have often realized that the same work becomes stressful when we have a target in our mind, or when we are concerned about its appreciation or criticism, or when our focus is on the timeline. People in every organization who have their focus set on their narrow goals will always push others into these stressful situations. For them, we are just their tools to gain appreciation or overcome fear. The same thing will happen in families and relationships. But can we just close our ears to this "siren" that's blowing nonstop and connect to our true selves for a while? What we really are and what we want to explore. The same work, with this mindset, becomes very fulfilling. Just a change of "mindset" changes everything. Krishna and many other warriors fought the battle of Kurukshtra. Krishna played with possibilities, while others were focused on their expectations. Krishna could give the Bhargat Geeta to the whole of the world from the same battlefield of Kurukshetra where many fought for their greed and others for their fears.
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