Love and Attachment

There are layers and layers of our being. Very few relationships are based on the connection of the core. Most relationships are based on the attraction of the outer layers. We feel insecure and see somebody wielding a lot of power. We get attracted to that person and fall in love. We feel "lonely" and see somebody taking an interest in us and get attracted to that person, and fall in love. We feel rejected and find somebody who appreciates us and develops affection towards that person, and fall in love. We have very low self-esteem because of constant criticism and insults by society, and meet somebody who holds us in high esteem, and we fall in love. We feel the pain of poverty and find somebody rich, who is interested in us, and fall in love with that person. We get inspired by somebody's ideology and fall in love. We get inspired by the thoughts of someone and fall in love. 

What is the nature of all these phenomena? Is it love? Is it attachment? I think these are neither love nor attachment. They are simply an attraction. Attraction for what? When we lack something, we get attracted to the source thereof. Somebody lacking money gets attracted to the source of money. Somebody lacking power gets attracted to the source of power. Somebody lacking validation gets attracted to the source of validation. Somebody lacking self-esteem gets attracted to somebody who accepts without judgment. Somebody lacking company gets attracted to somebody who offers undivided attention.

We get attracted to what we lack. What do we lack? That depends upon our life experiences. When we get disconnected from the core of our existence, we define our existence in terms of one or the other outer layer. We find some identity. Our name, caste, religion, education, service, organization, nation, community, family, or even ideas and beliefs. Since we lose awareness of what we are, we identify with all these things. The people we interact with have also lost awareness of who they are and are similarly identified with one or the other thing. During these social interactions, we judge each other. There is a tussle of identities, and society creates a "hierarchy of identities" based on their "use case". An IAS is more useful than a peon, and therefore IAS comes above in the hierarchy of identities. In the process, the identities we carry also get evaluated. We feel insecure if we identify with something very strongly, and that identity is low in the social hierarchy. We want to be number one.

That's why there is a big market for trophy husbands and wives. People are willing to pay a heavy price to buy such trophy husbands for their daughters. People make the lives of their own kids hell to groom them into those trophy kids. People spend millions of rupees to get those trophy positions. People travel thousands of miles to attend the social gatherings of those trophy friends. People somehow want to maintain a connection with their trophy colleagues. 

Such attraction-driven relationships make us fearful. The moment we get to connect with these people, our fear disappears. We get an instant dose of pleasure. We feel quite nice, but at the same time, we feel more fearful. Now we have experienced pleasure or the absence of fear. Now, we don't want to get back to the insecure or deprived state of mind again. We start panicking as soon as there is a threat to the relationship. This fear is not the same as the fear before the relationship. Now we have tasted security, and therefore the pain of being insecure again is many times greater. In fact, as we get used to that security or pleasure, the pain of losing the relationship becomes unimaginable. That's how strong attachments develop. 

Love, on the other hand, is a very different phenomenon. When somebody is connected to the core, the outer layers and identities are not of much use to us. We are not much bothered about their judgments. We don't feel insecure even if our identities fall quite low in the "hierarchy of identities". In that case, we feel attracted to the people who have a similar connection to their core. Mostly, we feel attracted to each other because we want to explore together. Explore the infinite possibilities that exist in the realm of consciousness. Such love is not to allay fears or to get pleasure, and therefore, the more we proceed on that exploration and the more sure and certain we feel. Because we experience oneness, a state of non-division. There is no difference between "I" and "you". There is no attachment. On the contrary, there is complete freedom. Why would one hand try to bind the other? They would always try to enjoy complete freedom because they know how they complement each other. When one hand needs support, it does not need to tell the other. The other is naturally there and when one can do the work, the other is free to explore.