Does love mean a "blind yes" to each and every desire of the deloved? If we love our kids, do we fulfill all of their demands? Does love mean imposing our worldview and wishlist on the other? Would a parent impose their likes and dislikes on the kids and call that love? There is a lot of manipulation in the name of love from both sides. Because, often, an insecurity-driven arrangement is considered tantamount to love. Unless we appreciate the true meaning of love, we will continue to either exploit or be exploited in the name of love.
Do we love? We have two categories of relationships in this world. First, transactional relationships. You scratch my back and I scratch yours. There are constant expectations and calculations in such relationships. Most relationships in the office and society are like that. Second, relationships based on love and concern. Where we feel connected at the core and have a real concern.
We are all products of our own societies and parenting. We encounter so many conversations almost every day. Since childhood, we have listened to the discussions about competition, failure, suicides, deaths, accidents, financial crisis, divorces, disasters, and so many other fears and insecurities. We feel vulnerable, and all these things keep playing in our minds as sounds of a maddening siren. We somehow want to be secure. Similarly, we also listen to the discussions about the fun, joy, and pleasure experienced by different people during their holiday trips, the comforts of luxurious homes and vehicles, special treatment given to the VIPs, the kick of having a huge fan following, and the robust self-image of a powerful person. All these things tempt us equally, and we somehow want to acquire these things. Relationships often become tools to silence that maddening siren or to acquire those tempting experiences.
There is an arrangement based on reciprocity in transactional relationships. One provides objects of desire, and the other offers tools to feel secure. Or both provide objects of desire or tools to feel secure with each other. In a typical employer-employee relationship, the employer provides money to the employee, and the employee works to help the employer gain profit. Neighbors stand with each other in the moment of crisis. Colleagues help each other in times of need. We celebrate our achievements with our friends. We attend the social functions of our relatives, and relatives attend ours. This is how relationships based on reciprocity work.
What about relationships based on love and concern? Parents love their kids. Does that take away fears, insecurities, and desires? No. We look for security in our parents. They, too, are equally frightened by the sound of the siren and looking for security. They have experimented and found certain safe havens to feel safe, as well as certain danger zones. They advise us to acquire the same safe havens in the form of a good job, savings, family, and social networking. They tell us with their experiences that we should not disobey the social norms and beliefs because it makes us quite insecure. That's why they tell us to respect the social beliefs and institutions without asking any questions. Yes, there is a difference between transactional relationships and relationships based on love. In case of relationships based on love, there may not be any expectation of reciprocation. Still, whenever somebody comes into contact with the other person, he will naturally pass on his fears, insecurities, and desires to the other person, even if he does not expect anything in return. The more we are concerned about somebody, the more we will pass on our fears and insecurities to that person.
That's why loving relationships too become quite stifling over a period of time. In this world, it is quite difficult to experience relationships that are purely based on love and concern because it is almost impossible for an insecure person to love unconditionally. There are always conscious and unconscious expectations attached. Even if we experience relationships fully based on love and concern, such relationships become quite suffocating, because, out of their "concern", they become very pushy in passing on their fears, insecurities, and desires to us. Most of us get into the trap. Relationships become the center of life. Our entire life starts revolving around these relationships, and we actually lose touch with our inner selves. That's why we feel so hollow and restless. Why would that hollowness be there if there is love? Most people somehow suppress that silent call of the self by engaging more and more in the futility. Solitude is deafening because it asks very relevant questions. That's why we keep our schedule tight, as if trying to run from ourselves. Parties after party, targets after target, trips and trips, we enter into an endless mirage to befool ourselves. We take pride and talk quite loudly that our family is the center of our lives, just to suppress the stifled voices of "self" and also the "self" of those whom we claim to "love".
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