We have various types of relationships in this world, including father-daughter, husband-wife, siblings, friends, mother-in-law-daughter-in-law, cousins, and others. Some of them are blood relationships, and some we choose. There is a certain element of choice even in blood relationships. We may decide to drop some of these relationships, or rather, prioritise them. We may prioritize our relationship with a cousin over our relationship with siblings. We choose our friends and spouse. I was just curious to know the basis of this choice.
Mostly, we choose to enter into a relationship with people for two reasons. The first reason is the exchange of emotions. These exchanges are generally intangible and sometimes unconscious. There is a wide gamut of emotions for which we enter into relationships, such as security, sharing, procreation, taking care of other family members, seeking comfort, and so on. One person may have certain needs while the other person may have different needs. For example, in a relationship of marriage, one partner may seek sharing while the other may seek security. In such "need-based relationships", there would always be a time when both partners are reciprocating with each other. However, we all grow with time, and our needs also undergo a change. In that case, there has to be a constant effort on the part of each partner if the relationship is to grow. Both partners have to constantly reappraise the growth and needs of their partner, and if "need-based relationships" are to survive, both partners will have to understand the needs of the other partner and cater to them.
On the other hand, we have a different type of relationship, which is a "love-based relationship". These are the relationships that are not based on expectations. These get formed when two self-connected people meet. There is no need, and therefore there is no expectation. Each one of them is contended within and not seeking anything in this world. They come together to manifest the divine possibilities within together for the benefit of the world. To set an example for the world to live together. Sri Aurbinod and the Mother, Ramakrishna Paramhansa, Swami Vivekananda, Savitri, and Satyavan are some relationships that fall into this category. There is no effort in this relationship because the two are not only connected together but in fact share "oneness" and live as if the same soul is manifesting through two different bodies and minds. The two minds that may think differently and express differently, but at the core, each thought is a manifestation of the same oneness that they share at the core of their existence.
The world is full of "need-based relationships". Since we are so disconnected from our inner selves, we get attracted to these "need-based relationships" quickly. Let's take, for example, the relationship of marriage. Some enter into this relationship because they have a strong desire to procreate, some want financial security in the form of dowry, some marry because their society has placed a heavy premium on the institution of marriage and they have been made answerable to every Tom, Dick, and Harry to explain why they have not married so far so they just want to prove their "self-worth" by marrying. Someone wants a partner who can take care of his parents because he was born and brought up with a "concept" that life is about sacrifice. Parents have sacrificed for their kids, and now it is the turn of the kids to sacrifice. Someone wants a partner for emotional sharing because he is weak and fragile from inside, and his spouse provides the comfort of "being heard". There are many more such needs in a relationship of marriage, and sometimes there is more than one need.
"Need-based relationships" continue till both partners have these needs and they are satisfied. In some cases, both partners refuse to grow with life, and their needs remain the same, and their relationship continues. In some cases, one person grows and the other fails to grow, or the two grow in different directions. In that case, one becomes more dependent on the relationship, while the other craves freedom, or they both crave freedom because they have different needs now. Such "need-based relationships" often become quite fragile. In some cases, both partners grow together, and at some stage, the "need-based relationship" converges into a "love-based relationship". That is the real growth of relationships. These examples are very rare to be found in this world. I feel that a significant majority of our relationships are suffering from crisis and that's why when we see the first iteration where both partners have refused to grow and the sybiotic relationship continues, we try to idealize these relationswhips, without realizing that the core purpose of relationships is to grow and converge into a "love-based relationship" rather than to prevent growth of both the partners.
Relationships are an integral part of our growth process. "Healthy relationships" never bind us or restrict our growth. Parents will not prevent their kids from going abroad because of their insecurities about aging. A mother will not stop her son from marrying just to claim 100% ownership of him. Possession makes relationships suffocating. Relationships exist to help us grow and manifest our best potential. Our relationships are not "use and throw" objects; rather, they provide us with an opportunity to grow together. However, for an insecure mind, relationships resemble medals and trophies to be boasted about in society as achievements, or the partner is merely like a robot designed to fulfill certain needs. An insecure mind fails to recognize that a partner may have different aspirations for their soul, which could be quite different from their own aspirations or those of society. The inner world is not a "one-size-fits-all" world. Every soul has unique aspirations and has come to this world to fulfill them. Relationships should be about understanding each other's aspirations and helping one another grow, rather than becoming insecure and aggressive and treating "relationship" as a contract that invokes the "rights and responsibilities" clause in a court of law.
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