Relationships are the foundation of our lives. Even the most powerful and wealthy people in this world cherish relationships. In fact, it may be the other way around, as these relationships also worked as the support system to help them become so powerful and wealthy. If we look around there are so many beautiful relationships. We see the relationship between Sri Aurobindo and the Mother, Ramakrishna Paramhansa and Swami Vivekananda, Sri S N Goenka and his wife Smt Iliachi Devi, and so on. We also see many relationships that are exploitative and people even commit suicides tortured by such relationships.
What makes a relationship so beautiful or so ugly? What are we seeking in a relationship? I feel that any and every seeking has the same fundamental seeking: to be complete. We feel incomplete due to the loss of awareness of our true self (consciousness) and therefore keep seeking that completion in different things such as money, powers, and relationships. Probably there are three different ways in which relationships are formed. First: We feel that something will make us complete and we seek the same thing through the relationship. For example, somebody may feel that social validation will make him complete and may seek that validation in the selection of his son in IIT or civil services. Somebody may seek that validation from the grand marriage of his son. Thus relationships in such cases become the ways and means of getting what we are seeking. We invest heavily in such relationships and then expect a return and if the return is not commensurate to our expectations, we start cribbing. My son will take care of me in my old age, my wife will serve me tasty food every day, my husband will take care of me like a queen, my father will support me in every adverse situation, my brother will protect me, my sister will understand me. All these relationships are "Self-centric relationships".
Second: Where we extend our "ego" to the relationship and seek to be complete by wishing for whatever we like for that person whom we like. For example, a mother may extend her "ego" to her son or daughter and may start wishing for money, comfort, and happiness for the kids. There are two fundamental presumptions here. First, whatever I like will be liked by the other person. Second, there is no other purpose in the life of that other person. These are "relationships with extended self". In most cases both these assumptions are incorrect and therefore such relationships become a burden over a period of time. Generally, we all have very different purposes in life and come together in the areas of intersection. Life and its purpose are much larger than that small intersection. Therefore, when any person tries to restrict our lives to a small intersection, we slowly and gradually feel suffocated. Similarly, all of us have different likes, and just because I like some person his likes and dislikes can't resonate with those of mine. Thus, we make these false impressions about the relationships and don't allow freedom in the relationships that make the relationships quite suffocating.
Third: The most beautiful relationships are those that are not centered around seeking. Where both are complete inside and want to share that completion with the world. Since there is no seeking, there is complete freedom. They explore together. They have different colors and all the colors combined together to make the rainbow. They are just like the flowers of different types and colors in the garden and put together to make a beautiful garden. The sunflower does not want the rose to become a sunflower or to tilt in the direction of the Sun. The rose also does not want the sunflower to become red. They are so different and yet enjoy the company of each other and together make the garden beautiful. Swami Vivekananda may follow Vedanta and Ramakrishna may worship Kali and that makes no difference. These relationships are "true love".
A fulfilling relationship can develop only when there is no seeking. We will continue to seek until we connect our true selves. In a state of inner disconnection, like most things in this world, relationships also become ways and means to seek safety, comfort, pleasure, or extension of the self. That takes the entire beauty away from the relationships. Relationships are most beautiful when both persons are complete and they share that completion, in the form of different manifestations of consciousness. Dalailama discusses with a scientist, and J Krishnamury has a dialogue with David Bohm. An artist discusses with another artist. We exchange notes, and share experiences, not with a mission to approve or disapprove, but rather in a spirit of dialogue where all the experiences are put on the table where they do not belong to anybody and then examined neutrally enriching each one of the participants. That requires completion because an incomplete person gets so fixated on these ideas and views that it is very difficult for him to maintain that distance. The distance or beauty between the experiencer and the experience can come only when the experiencer realizes that he is different from the experience. That space or distance from the experience helps the experiencer establish a connection with the other experiencer at the very core, irrespective of the differences in his experiences. That makes such relationships complete and beautiful.
Comments