Dear Parents,
In our childhood, we often used to hear that contentment is the greatest wealth. Every day, there was an Aarati "Na maangu main sona chandi maangu darshan tere" meaning thereby that I do not want wealth and rather seek you. At the same time, there would be a competition at the school and in the competitive examinations. Somehow, coming from a financially difficult background, our survival instinct was very strong, and somehow competition took over contentment. We set different targets and started running after those targets. Some achieved those targets and some couldn't achieve them and settled for the next best or next to the next. Now we are parents and our kids are on the same journey. In the process, we have had many experiences.
I feel that it is our first and foremost duty, as parents, to pass on our life experiences honestly to our kids. I feel that the least we can do for our kids is to give them an atmosphere where they feel free to ask questions. Questions bring clarity. We may brush the conflicts and doubts under the carpet for the time being and ask them to focus on their examinations and competitions. However, the doubts and conflicts will stay with them and will come out at an undesirable time far more strongly. We see so many psychological disorders in society, such as fear, anxiety, depression, jealousy, obsession, fixation, and aggression. It is estimated that almost one out of 3 people is suffering from one or the other psychological problem. Some of the parents may feel, what do I have to do with this? My child is good at studies so he will not have all these problems. Or I have money to get him settled in the business and therefore I need not worry. On the contrary, the reality is that psychological disorders are more common among the rich and there is a reason for the same.
Parents need to help their kids ask the right questions. These questions come naturally to the kids because they have an open mind and their senses are sharp. They observe things clearly. For example, when we are telling them that Rama and Krishna are our biggest heroes, they will have a natural question Rama left his entire kingdom and went to the forest and lived a life without resources. If we pray to Rama, who was not attached to his kingdom or comforts thereof, then why do we always keep seeking more and more comforts and pleasures? Either we should stop praying for Rama or follow Him in our lives.
I feel that all these questions are quite natural to the kids unless the parents have killed their inquisitiveness at the very beginning of their lives by imposing their worldview on them. In fact, today's society is so much driven by propaganda and advertisement that it has become almost impossible for anybody to observe. We form opinions and beliefs very fast. Yet, leaving aside that, there are still enough possibilities for the kids to ask questions, especially if the parents encourage questioning and are themselves not afraid to engage in discussions.
I feel that any honest discussion between the parents and children on any such topic would be very interesting. We keep having many such discussions at our home. Me and my daughters love discussions and we have discussions around so many things such as the existence of God and the role of ambitions in our lives. I strongly feel that our primary duty as a parent is not to teach our kids science and mathematics. Anyhow they will find the solutions after struggle. Our duty is to discuss the conflicts and contradictions they have in their minds. No parent has any solutions or answers. In fact, there are no answers or solutions to the problems of life. Even if there are solutions and answers, they have to come from within and not outside. We have to help our kids look at the situation from different perspectives, thereby helping them find their own answers.
For example, once my younger daughter made a very assertive statement that God does not exist and we unnecessarily waste time praying to the statues. I started asking questions from her. I asked her whether she was aware of the last meal she took? She said yes. I further asked whether she was aware of what happened to the food inside her stomach? She said yes. The food got digested and absorbed. I asked have you experienced the same? She said no. I asked her another question when she knows so little about her own body, and without her awareness, the food is getting digested, how is she so sure that there is no God. She answered that these are just forces of nature that act inside our bodies. Then we discussed whether the forces of nature themselves can be regarded as God. Then we explored the possibility as of whether we may pray to the forces of nature and whether prayer becomes a little easier if we give some face to these forces of nature.
What is important in the process is not the questions or answers but the process of discussion. Different kids will have different questions and answers. What matters is the process. If the discussion takes place with an openness, truth finds space to reveal itself. In a close ecosystem, there is no space for the truth to be revealed. In today's society, the biggest problem is that the parents have become so fixated on the comforts and pleasures that there is no scope for questioning. Firstly, there are hardly any such questions being raised. Even if somebody asks questions, such a person is regarded as mad so as to get rid of him soon. Parents become very uncomfortable the moment they are asked questions about the way they have been living their lives. In fact, this fixation is the primary reason for the psychological disorders. Because we never allow questioning and discussions, our worldview becomes so linear and we get so fixated on our comforts and pleasures that any loss thereof or threat to the comforts and pleasures breaks us down. That is the reason why we are not able to handle relationships. Relationships are very dynamic and it's very difficult to live with another person with a fixed mindset.
The process of dialogue is so interesting. In fact, I keep attending the Sunday Dialogues by J Krishnamurti Foundation in Delhi. One of the most amazing things that happens during these dialogues is that we get to examine our own thought processes. They offer us an opportunity to speak and then create a space between those thoughts and ourselves. Everybody can look at all the thoughts put on the table without identifying with them or claiming any ownership thereof. That space allows examination which creates infinite possibilities. We realize that we are different from our thoughts and thoughts are just the result of our experiences.
Kids have a natural capacity and willingness to have such dialogues. They are inquisitive by nature and open to life. That is why dialogues with kids are very interesting. We have been visiting some of the schools off-late to have discussions with the kids about their fears, ambitions, and dreams. In fact, it is so interesting to observe that different fears and ambitions have a common foundation such as social approval or financial insecurity. We try to have a dialogue with the kids about the genesis of their fears, the stories that have been built around the fears, the functional utility of these fears in their lives, and whether these fears are making them limited in any way or preventing their growth, whether their ambitions are also driven by their fears, their areas of interest, and can their align their ambitions to their areas of interest. I don't know what will be the outcome of these dialogues. However, with experience, I can state with a great degree of certainty that the process of dialogue is beautiful for us as well as the kids and they enjoy the process. It reconfirms my understanding that parents need to sit with their kids and enter into a dialogue on life. Let there be questions on each and every aspect of life rather than parents forcing their kids to run after money and power by just clearing certain competitive examinations to spend a linear life fixated on comforts and pleasures and fall into the trap of a psychological disorder sooner or later.
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