While interacting with different colleagues and friends, I noticed that almost all the parents make a lot of sacrifices for their kids. They continue in abusive relationships with their spouse just to give that feeling of family to their kids. Many remain in dissatisfying jobs to continue to earn livelihood and ensure security for their kids. Many sacrifice their personal comforts and desires to ensure savings for their kids. Many do not pursue their areas of interest due to conflicts between their interests and the kid's interests or they want to give more time to their kids to help them with their studies. We all make many more sacrifices in our lives, some known and some unknown.
Though it looks like a very simple act. Yet, if we examine it a little deeper, there is so much diversity. In some cases, parents merge their dreams into the dreams of the kids (ego-substitution). Parents are so involved that they almost let go of their own selves and flow with the dreams and ambitions of their kids. They reset the center of their lives around the dreams of their kids and that is why they actually never feel it as a sacrifice. It's almost as if the dreams of the kids become their own dreams and that is why there is no complaint or fatigue. Such parents pass through phases of emotional turbulence along with their kids. They become more anxious than the kids for their examinations and any failure in the examination hits them harder than the kids.
It's interesting to watch these parents. It is very difficult to analyze whether these parents impose their ambitions on the kids and kids imbibe the same as their own dreams and then these parents substitute their own ambitions with such dreams of the kids. I am not sure to what extent they give liberty to the kids in making choices. However, I have seen one thing for sure. The day kids start making their independent decisions, these parents feel let down and feel depressed.
The next type of parenting I see is the parenting with ego-extension. These parents do not merge their own work into the world of the kids. However, they somehow extend their own ambitions to the kids. They take pride in the achievements of the kids. Fulfillment of the dreams of the kids becomes one of the many ambitions of such parents. There come occasions of conflicts between careers and kids for such parents. At times there are conflicts between the kids and their comforts. Similarly, there are phases of conflict between kids and spouses when both want equal attention. Such parenting is tough and full of conflicts and struggles.
The other type of parents I have seen are the parents who treat kids as their trophies (ego-fulfilment). These parents are quite ego-centric. They treat their kids as a means to boost their ego. They are continuously after the lives of their kids to study hard and make great achievements. Every time kids achieve and society validates such achievements, these parents feel proud. In a way, they invest in parenting just to get social validation of having brought up talented kids and achievers. That is why the moment the kids are not able to come up to their expectations, they feel let down and depressed. Such parents remain more dependent on their kids for their social validation than the kids on the parents. Therefore, either kids with such parenting become over-submissive or rebellious.
Probably, by the time we decide to become parents, we have a lot of unfulfilled desires and ambitions. There is a constant struggle between our own ambitions and the responsibilities of the kids. We are fixated on our own ego and there comes a child who needs time, energy, and resources. We deploy different mental strategies to tackle the situation. That is the reason why some of us decide to make our kids the center of our lives and let go of other ambitions. In such cases, we substitute our ego with the dreams of the kids. Sometimes, we extend our ego, and kids and their dreams become a part of the extended ego. Sometimes, we are so fixated on our ambitions and dreams that the kids too become just ways and means to fulfill our ambitions. This happens in almost all our relationships, not only the kids. But since in other relations, it's very difficult to undertake ego-substitution, therefore we see more instances of ego-extension and ego-fulfillment.
Is there a possibility of relationships without any seeking? Why do we seek? Are we here on this earth to seek something or the other? The very desire to seek is founded on a feeling of being incomplete. Are we really incomplete? Even if we are incomplete, can we become complete by getting one or the other thing? Don't we see the temporariness of all the physical things as well as feelings? Somebody who was very dear to us some time back has no meaning in our life. We all have had similar experiences in life. Something that was very dear to us some time back does not carry any meaning as on date. It's just the mental meaning we make. The mental meaning too keeps changing.
Can we just take a step back and look around. Isn't life just about experiences? Light is full of so many colors. Why do we get fixated on red or green? We want to gather and accumulate more and more red. We make gathering red our ambition. We go mad to the extent that we put the red glass on our eyes and try to feel that everything around us is red. Can't we experience different colors as it as and as they come? That makes life richer.
Similarly, can't we bring up the kids without any seeking? We observe the kids, examine their natural instincts, competencies, and areas of interest, and just guide them to live a life of exploration and creation around their own areas of interest without seeking anything. We have everything inside so why do we seek the same in the outside world? We remain discontented and pass on the same discontentment to the kids. We run after the mirage and pass on the same thirst to the kids to suffer the whole of their lives. Why can't we just love them as they are without any expectation or judgment? Why can't all relationships be like that? Probably because we are disconnected from the inner joy and therefore keep seeking the same in the external world and different relationships and keep becoming sad again and again never ever making an effort to look inside.
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