Sometime back, I was amazed to watch a video wherein an old man explained what love is. He says that often we say "I love fish" and then eat the fish. Actually, I love myself to please my senses or make my body strong. I eat the fish. Yesterday, while having discussions at J Krishnamurti Foundation, one thought really struck my mind. Chhabra sir mentioned that probably we need to learn only two subjects: mathematics and languages during school, and the rest we may learn ourselves. It made me really think and I found the statement to be quite profound.
We do not understand the true meaning of different words and that is the reason why our communication is so poor. Firstly, we do not understand ourselves because we never make an effort to find time for ourselves, to study ourselves. Secondly, even if we have little idea of what we are, we do not find the right words to express what we feel. Even if we get the right words to express ourselves, there is a lot of gap between our understanding of the words and the understanding of the person we are communicating with. That makes the entire communication substandard and shallow.
If we use the word "love" for our craving for fish and our relationship with our kids, parents, or spouse, then we can comprehend how disastrous that may be. Or we unconsciously equate love for the fish with love for the spouse. Maybe we put them both in the same place unconsciously. Maybe both are just ways and means to please us. It sounds quite unacceptable in the first instance. But is it really so?
If we examine ourselves at deeper levels, there are layers and layers of our existence. We seek many material objects such as furniture, houses, food, money, and so many other things. However, deep inside us, we are seeking pleasure. Pleasure comes to us in different forms. For example, money gives us the purchasing power to buy so many things and that is why we feel powerful with money. We get the purchasing power. Similarly, certain positions of authority give us the power to negotiate our relationship with the world. People give us respect since they feel that we have a use case for them. That gives us a sense of security that in case of need certain people will stand by us.
If we observe ourselves, there are two parallel movements inside us. On the one hand, we are afraid to lose whatever we have. We are afraid to die since we do not want to lose the body. We are afraid to lose money since money has given us the power to purchase. We are afraid to lose positions because positions give us the power to negotiate our relationship with the world. On the other hand, we have a desire to accumulate more. We want to accumulate more money and power. We feel that will make us safer and stronger.
Now, when we come to relationships, what do these relationships mean to us? Say for example the relationship of spouse or kids or parents. What is the meaning of parents for an infant? Probably, most of us would accept that for an infant, parents mean security. He feels safe in the lap of his mother since he learns this with experience. Since day one whenever he feels hungry, his mother provides milk. That is the reason in childhood, kids are more close to their mother. As they grow, they see that their different needs are being fulfilled by both of their parents and that is how they start liking both the parents. That is how we make friends. Friends provide us psychological support. We can share what we like with them. We play together and share our thoughts. We share thoughts to the extent that one day two friends decide to marry together.
Where is love coming into the picture? What does love really mean? Love, to the best of my understanding, means a feeling of merger. When there is no division. Like the merger of two rivers into one. After that confluence, if somebody takes away a glass of water from the river, one can not say which river that water belongs to. That is love. Do we ever get over the concept of "I" and till the time that concept of "I" remains, how can there be love? Till that time, there may at best be a working relationship wherein you scratch my back and I scratch your back. You provide me some comfort and I provide you some comforts.
Some of these exchanges of comfort and pleasure may be immediate while some may be deferred. For example, parents take care of the kids during childhood and kids take care of the parents in their old age. Some of these exchanges may be in terms of tangibles while most may be intangible. For example, a person donates to the welfare of the underprivileged, and the NGO where he donates places his name on the walls of the NGO so that the visitor may see and appreciate it. The donor gets appreciation and social approval. Sometimes, the consideration may be even more subtle. For example, somebody likes being called a "good man" and everybody around starts using him by saying that "You are so good". Thus the consideration for exchange in the relationships may be in the form of appreciation, social approval, sharing of thoughts, confirmation of viewpoints, and so on.
Where is the scope for love in such relationships? Most of the relationships are just negotiations. Parents want to get the social appreciation of "being good parents". Kids want to "be good kids" or just want to exploit the mad desire of their parents to be regarded as "good parents". The one who has more powers to negotiate negotiates hard and the other party gets exploited. Siddhartha left the family to move on the path of spirituality, so he is a bad husband. He may have a love for entire humanity including his wife. However, that will be appreciated by none. Rama has a love for everybody living in Ayodhya and for that love, he may decide to leave his wife and yet he would be regarded as a cruel husband ignoring the fact that for the same Sita, he did not think twice about building a bridge on Lanka and fight Ravana without any army. Can there be exclusivity in love? Can love be there in isolation? Can we love one human being and hate the other? I think that we all human beings need to ponder over these questions and ask ourselves whether we love anybody. In fact, do we love even ourselves or just love the "mental self" that we have created over a period of time, and the rest of the world is just a tool to make this "mental self" happy? Unless we get rid of this "mental self", we will just keep exploiting others or keep getting exploited depending upon the emotional intelligence that gives us the power to negotiate in relationships.
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