Each one of us comes across many human beings in our lives who are insecure. Though we all are insecure to some extent, however, for certain individuals, insecurity forms the very center of their lives. It changes their mindset and perspectives significantly. Insecurity brings so much of self-centricity that such people relate everything to them and even the normal conversations appear to be criticism to them. They try to find intentions in everything. They feel as if they are being victimized. This feeling of insecurity makes their life quite depressive. I feel that the foundation of these insecurities is laid in childhood and parents have a very important role to play. I can tell with experience that insecurities have nothing to do with what a person has, rather they are a product of the way an individual has been brought up with.
I feel that the most important role of the parents in a child's life is to make him understand the meaning of life. We have come to this body (and may have passed through many bodies in our earlier lives) for growth. Growth, not in terms of possessions of the material objects but rather to explore and create. There are so many fields of knowledge and arts in this world to explore. Once we start exploring and getting exposure to different facets of life, we start creating something new. That is growth and growth is fun. Stagnancy is death.
Probably, the fundamental disaster of parenting is to motivate kids to "become" something. The moment we set our kids to "become" rich or powerful people, by being doctors, engineers, or bureaucrats, we are telling them to be unhappy and defer their happiness to certain achievements. As if they are "incomplete" now and will become complete when they achieve the target of "becoming". This has many damaging impacts on the kids. First of all, this thought process makes them feel that they are not "worthy" now. This artificially reduced "self-worth" makes them insecure and vulnerable. To an extent, this is the reflection of the insecurities of the parents that get carried over to the children.
In that state of "low self-worth," they set the targets for themselves. Some of the kids set the targets higher than their capacity and finally end up with failures. These failures distort their personalities for their entire life. This distortion is the result of a fundamental flaw in the meaning of life that they have set for themselves. If we try to "become" something, that means that there is some deficiency in the "being". We are not complete. In that case, a feeling of "incompleteness" and "insecurity" is the natural outcome of failure. As and when we compare ourselves with the ones who have been able to achieve the targets set by them for "becoming", we feel insecure. I have seen this feeling among many students who somehow are not able to clear the competitive exams. They keep comparing their lives with their colleagues who have been able to clear the exams and feel insecure. The fundamental reason does not lie in the failure, but rather in the way we have correlated our "self-worth" to that "becoming" and when we could not succeed in that exam. we feel "incomplete" and "insecure".
On the other hand, if we get success in "becoming", then what next. Till the time we become. we remain "insecure" and the moment we "become", there may be two different scenarios. Either we are lost now and do not know what to do. Since we have defined our lives in terms of the pursuit of "becoming" and we feel that "becoming" will give us "happiness", now we have become what we tried. Now what next? we are not able to decide what next. That is the problem with most of the achievers. They become so focused and limited when they set their target for "becoming" that once they become, they are lost in the mid-life crisis. That is the crisis most of the bureaucrats face in their 40s and 50s.
In that case, most of the people set the next target. The next target is to get promotions and positions to "become" more and more powerful. Such people don't get their life lessons from the first or the second "becoming". Probably they become so limited and focused, like a horse tied to a horse cart with the blind in its eyes that they just decide to be blind for the whole of their life except for the path on which they are running. In the process, they become oblivious to the cart that they are carrying and keep running after one "becoming" to the other. Life becomes a race for them. In the process, they always feel incomplete and remain under the illusion that the next achievement will make them complete. They always remain insecure in the process. In most cases, these insecurities take the form of aggressive behavior towards their subordinates, sycophancy in their behavior, calculative mind, back-biting of their colleagues, buttering of their seniors, adoption of unfair practices, and so on. They degenerate as human beings, in sum and substance, and become more and more insecure as they grow.
Most people feel that they have "become" what they wanted to be and now it is time for enjoyment. They start enjoying the pleasures of life. They start having a life full of "eating, drinking, and having fun" unable to realize such fun has many different consequences. First of all, the law of diminishing utility applies. The next time we go to a restaurant, or party, or a tourist spot, we feel less thrilled. That is the law of diminishing utility. All these objects of fun and entertainment are very poor substitutes for exploration and creation. Since we have never sat back to examine what life is, we are traped in the poor substitutes that operate under the law of diminishing utility. Out of frustration, we try to take them to the next level. From domestic tourist places to foreign places, from local restaurants to the five-star hotel. However, the more we try, the more insecure we become. This insecurity is the product of two different phenomena. First, we want to hook on to what we already have. The comforts and facilities. We do not want to let go of the business class and five stars because we feel that one level down will make us uncomfortable. So feel develop a "sense of entitlement" and the moment there is a threat to that entitlement, they feel quite insecure. Secondly, getting more comforts and pleasures in the class has huge incremental and retention costs. That too makes us insecure.
Such people not only spoil their own lives but also the lives of their kids. They pass on this sense of entitlement for the comforts and pleasure of their kids. The competitive ones pass on that sense of incompletion and madness to "become" to their kids. Kids also develop restlessness and insecurity at the very beginning. If the kids are competent, they keep running from one target to the other. If they are not so competent, they keep cribbing for their entitlements almost the whole of their lives. If parents are not able to ensure what they feel they are entitled to (which keeps increasing every day), they feel insecure and start insulting their parents. If parents are able to ensure, they become monsters and full of a superiority complex just waiting for the time to puncture that and get depressed.
Probably, little awareness can prevent all these disasters in life. Life is not for "becoming" something. We already are the consciousness. We all have taken this body to explore and create in this world. We do not need to prove anything to anybody. This human body is itself the result of millions of years of evolution. What can we prove in our lifetime? Even that thought itself shows our stupidity. Each one of us is full of so much potential. We just have to explore that potential. Not to prove something to somebody, but to have fun like an accomplished actor performs for fun. Our basic needs are so less that if we just explore and create, the basic needs anyhow will be taken care of. So far as psychological desires are concerned, even Ravan and Duryodhana could not get what they desired despite being kings. Its a choice we have to make and our choices get reflected in the lives of our kids as well. We have to decide whether we want to live a life of perpetual dissatisfaction and insecurity or a life full of bliss. The choice is ours.
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