We live in a world full of troubled relationships. Some are vocal, while some are silent. Some are visible to others, while some are invisible. However, the primary cause of almost all the troubles is a gap between expectations and reality. Why is this gap created? I feel that if we are able to observe the root cause of our troubles, we can really do something about that. Rejection of the problem does not yield any solution. The first and most important step is the recognition of the problem.
Why do we have expectations from relationships? Because that is the very purpose of relationships. We form relationships so that they stand with us in our difficult times. We have expectations from our siblings that they will stand by us in moments of difficulty. Parents expect their kids they take care of them in their old age. There is an expectation from every relationship. We have an expectation from a friend to spare time to listen to us so that we can share what's going on in our minds. Kids have a genuine expectation from their parents that they will take care of their education and food. What is wrong with such expectations?
There is nothing wrong with the expectations. The problem is with the gap. The problem lies with the communication gap. Every person is born and brought up in a different ecosystem and society. Every society works based on certain assumptions that help it survive. Different customs and traditions of societies are products of their years of experience. As kids grow up, their minds get tuned to these customs and traditions. Unfortunately, due to bad parenting, kids are told not to question these traditions. Even if some kids dare to ask questions, society adopts different tactics to make them silent. Kids asking questions are made fun of, their questions are not answered, the kids not ask such questions are awarded with the trophies of being "good children", and slowly and gradually, as kids turn into adults, they accept almost everything that their society says without questioning the same. That includes expectations for the relationships. Society defines the role of a husband, wife, father, mother, son, and daughter. We assume these roles without questioning them and start fulfilling expectations from our relatives, and at the same time, start expecting from our relatives.
We fail to realize a few things. First, different people may come from different societies and may have different upbringings. That's why their understanding of a relationship may be quite different from our understanding. Second, people grow up. For example, a person may move to a different society and may adopt certain traditions and value systems that are quite different from those prevalent in their society. People grow with their experiences as well. Some people may drop certain value systems after having bitter experiences and realizing the truth. People also read books, come into contact with realized souls, and drop many of their childhood biases and beliefs. Third, we all have layers and layers of our psyche. In most cases, we are ourselves quite unaware of what's going on inside, and our unconscious minds are capable of manipulating to hide our real motives and intentions deep down in the unconscious mind and give them the color of something "good". Our brain is very good at creating stories. Fourth, we often lack integrity and communicate something wrong about ourselves to create a self-image of being good. All these things put together create a false understanding of expectations in the minds of our relatives. That's why gaps are created in relationships.
Probably, we need to work on at least two different fronts. First, we need to understand the source of the gap. If the gap is due to differences between the cultures in wherein two persons are born and brought up, we need to observe the culture where our partner has come from to understand the emotional value thereof. If the gap is due to the different growth of the two persons, then there are two options. Either both persons have to grow together to match each other, or they have to just give space to each other, where the relationship works as a solid foundation which can take the weight of two different structures with some meeting point between the two structures. If the gap is due to inauthenticities, mental stories, and layers and layers of ignorance about our inner fears, we need to work on those. We need to ask genuine questions about our fears and expectations of ourselves and try to answer those questions genuinely. That helps us understand ourselves better, and these inauthenticities and mental stories drop as a result. If the gap is due to a lack of integrity, we need to work on the source of this falsehood.
While it is easy to see the gap created by different cultures and by the growth of our relatives in various directions, it is quite difficult to observe our own inauthenticities and lack of integrity. This is because these inauthenticities and lack of integrity are part of us, defining our character and self-image. Since everyone has a self-image of "being good," it becomes necessary to create mental stories to conceal these inauthenticities and lack of integrity; the human mind is an expert at crafting these narratives. The more logical our minds become, the more skillful they are at spinning these stories, much like a talented director. At the end of the day, we must understand that being inauthentic serves no purpose. Eventually, we have to confront these inner fears. The moment we acknowledge the issue, we automatically begin to work on a solution. As soon as we become aware of the conflicts within ourselves, we have already started to address them. As we delve deeper into our psyche, we realize that most expectations from relationships stem from our lack of understanding of ourselves. Our self-understanding gets clouded by the fears imposed by society. Once we see through that, we recognize that many fears are creations of our own minds. As these fears diminish, we connect to the love within, and when we connect to love, we feel contented, develop a deep desire to give, experience compassion for others, and wish to be free to help others gain freedom. This shifts our relationships to a different level, where we do not expect from one another, while, at the same time, we collaborate to explore what we love to explore. It can work only when both people in a relationship are serious about this.
Comments