The Healthy Ego

"Ego" is a very loosely defined term. It is often said that along the spiritual path, the ego should drop. However, we all have the ego. In fact, it is quite difficult to think of our existence without ego. It seems that without ego, we will be in a vegetative state where anybody can exploit and damage us. Therefore, there is no question of dropping ego. Probably, confusion arises because we do not give enough attention to the words and their true meanings. The ego is different from the self. In fact, it appears to me that if the self is like water, the ego is like the well that contains water. However, generally, while referring to ego, we refer to both the well and water.

In the initial stages of the evolution of human beings, we have a quite limited existence almost confined to our bodies. That is the reason in this stage, we are quite disconnected like a disconnected well. We try to somehow survive and in the process, we become "impulsive" when our emotional mind is on overdrive. We don't listen to the reason and different emotions such as fear, jealousy, hatred, infatuation, and greed drive our actions. In such a stage, reason generally has quite little role to play. However, as we grow, the emotional mind learns to use the rational mind to its advantage and we become "opportunists" where the emotional mind is still the king and it has got the rational mind working as its minister. Our actions are still guided by similar emotions, however, we can better plan our moves using the rational mind and become opportunists. As impulsive as well as opportunists, we are quite disconnected and the main focus is to protect ourselves. 

However, as we grow further, we understand that we live in society and the support of society is crucial for our safe existence. We develop a social self that becomes equally or in fact more important than the physical self. We try to connect to society in different ways as if the well trying to connect to other wells by forming some internal channels. In the process, we try to develop certain rules that all the members of the society shall follow. We become "conformists" who obey the social rules and traditions so as to ensure that our social selves stay protected. We learn to adjust our impulses to conform to the social rules. We learn to control our hunger when we go to some cremation. We learn to control our sleep when there is some religious ceremony. 

As we grow further, we learn to be "workability champions" who can understand the diverse interests of different members in a group or community and try to find some workable solution that works with a majority of the members of the group. Thus we travel one step further than the "conformists" and try to tweak the rules made by the society and community if that suits the interests of the majority. Thus, we try to be flexible enough to protect the "social self". 

As we keep working in the societies, communities, and organizations, with experience, we become "experts" who understand the nuances of the group dynamics and start advising other members of the society. As experts, we have an advisory position in society, and our "social self" feels better protected. However, even in this situation, the self remains limited to the social self that in turn is connected to a few members of the same society and disconnected from the rest of the world.

As we grow further, we become the "Conscience keepers" of the society. We develop the wisdom to discriminate the substance from the form. Whenever, there is difficulty understanding the deeper meaning of the social traditions and customs, or there is a certain conflict among the social rules, the society consults us because we have contemplated on the deeper meanings of the social rules and thereby gained certain insights. However, the self even in such cases remains confined to the social self, like an isolated network of few wells having water. 

As we grow further, we realize that water across different wells and networks of wells is the same. We start developing that universal connectedness to different ware bodies to realize the universality of water across different types of bodies to realize that it is only the size and shape of different wells that are different and water is the same across the wells. That helps us grow exponentially and our fixations with the physical ego and social ego drop. We no longer wish to be contained in a well or a network thereof. That's why impulses take a back seat. The social self too loses its significance because we no longer seek validation from society. In that state, we become "united". 

Thus, the ego expands with its growth. Initially, we have quite an "unhealthy ego" that makes us limited and confined to a well. This "unhealthy ego" is confined to the physical self in the beginning and grows into the social self as we grow. However, the social ego, though wider than the physical ego, still remains limited to society, organization, or community. However, as we grow further and realize the limitations of the ego boundaries, we start getting connected to the consciousness. It's like a laptop getting connected to the internet. Once a laptop gets connected to the internet, its dependency on the local software reduces significantly. The local data and software equip it with a certain uniqueness and not isolation from the rest of the laptops and computers. That uniqueness represents a "healthy ego" that does not disconnect one from the rest but rather just helps one have a unique expression.

An unhealthy ego slows down our growth and reduces fulfillment. Our speed of learning reduces continuously and we become fixated on our ideas, beliefs, opinions, and views. That brings a sharp decline in learning and slowly we start becoming anxious which further results in an unfulfilled life. The following chart tries to explain the same:

On the other hand, few of us ride "Mount Stupid" where we are full of confidence that we know everything, and that brings a sharp decline in learning. However, we soon realize that we are on the "mount stupid" and as the name suggests, we have been stupid enough to prevent our own growth. This acceptance of our own stupidity gives us freedom from that, and the moment we accept, the "unhealthy ego" drops and gives way to the "healthy ego". We feel connected to the entire humanity and develop humility to learn new things. That helps us experience the state of "flow" wherein we enjoy the process rather than being fixated on the outcome. The following chart tries to explain the same:

I feel that as parents, it is our first and foremost duty to slide down from the "mount stupid" of our own biases, opinions, and viewpoints. Each individual is a different well having different dimensions, shapes, and sizes. However, water across the wells is the same. The moment we realize that our physical self and the social self have very limited purpose, our "unhealthy self" starts dropping and giving way to the "healthy self" which provides us the uniqueness rather than separation from the rest of humanity. We respect our own uniqueness and respect the uniqueness of the rest of the human beings. We love freedom and allow freedom to everybody around us. As we slide down from the "mount stupid", the entire domain of "I don't know, I don't know" is open for exploration and learning rises exponentially making us experience the state of "flow" where time dilates and we enjoy the process without any concern for the outcomes. That makes our lives fulfilling.